It has been a long time since i last blogged..... NOW I AM BACK!!!!!!
Haiz... Why sigh? Cos i am very confused, confused about my emotional feelings........ Until now, i still have feelings for her... But i shouldn't, cos she is attached and i very well know she will never be wif me...
It all started during the 1st 3 months of JC life.... I was with the same class wif her. Her behaviour is very diff from most girls: not the usual demure and quiet type, but rather chatty and lively, and sometimes a bit naughty. Tat is why i liked her... I never told her my feelings at that moment cos i wanted to know about her... As days passed by, my feelings grew stronger...
Alas! My O'level results were out and it made me able to change my course of study... Though reluctantly to seperate from her, i still continued to change cos i really want to study that course(triple sci) for i have been studying for the past 2 years.... Despite being in diff classes, i still missed her and even contacted her.... Den finally one day, i could hold back no more and told her how i felt abt her....
"Sorry, i am attached...." These 4 words came crashing down on me, very very very hard.... I cried.. But what is the use? Even though she knew i liked her, she didnt avoid me like most girls would do if they knew someone whom they dun like is interested in them.... At least that was a consolation, but a very small one......
2 months later, she told me she broke up... I was happy and tot there was hope for me....
But, NO!!! I WAS TERRIBLY WRONG!!!!! I WAS STUPID TO THINK OF THAT!!!!!
I was having my badminton training at the bishan sports hall one day... and she happened to be at bishan MacDonalds studying.... So after my training, i tot of going over to see her for a while... Den i decided to call to tell her... She sounded reluctant, and guess what she told me?
She was wif her bf....... Both patched up.... Lost... All is lost...... Naive.... How naive i was.....
From den onwards, i tried to keep my distance away from her, but my heart doesn't seem to listen to my mind... I liked her even more knowing that the fact that i and her were impossible....
As a result of my one-sided love, i suffered tremendously.... It affected my results... Throughout my JC life, i was like a miserable heart-dead man.... WHY I CANT LET GO??????
When the A'levels appraoched, i focussed on my studies and at that point in time, i temporarily got her out of my mind.... She also didnt contact me..... I was nonchalant abt it for my mind is too preoccupied wif the big exam...
After the exam, i waited for my military conscription.... Maybe cos i havent tot of her for a long time, tat is why i seemed to have forgotten abt her.....
During my BMT, i missed a lot of pple: my friends, relatives, parents and ...her... I decided to call her.... She was surprised.... We chatted and decided to meet each other during my block leave....
Ever since i met her that time, we started to contact each other more often.... And at that period of time, it is apparent that i have learnt to let go cos everytime i met her, or speak to her, there was no more the excitement or zeal that i once possessed.... I really treat her like a friend, just another close friend to whom i can tok to....
There is this chinese saying :"Feelings can be nutured over a period of time"... Yes i started to get that feeling back..... The feeling of wanting her to be wif me.... WHY IS HEAVEN MAKING FUN OF ME??????
I am having terrible headaches.... Why do i still feel for her? WHy sometimes i am able to let go and sometimes i crave for her? This is killing me.... I feel like being in a blender, all the feelings are blended....
Stop treating me as ur close friend anymore... I cant accept the fact that u are so close to me yet so far.... Do you know it hurts me very much when every time i am out wif you, you receive calls from ur bf?
Stop telling me u need my support when u can actually get it from ur bf ....
Stop crying to me and whining to me all ur grievances..... i am not in the position to hear all that, i dun deserve all that...
I tried telling her all these, but i just couldnt bring myself to do it.... I am afraid of losing her... I am afraid of letting go....
I know i should be moving on but i think that will have to wait when i am out of army and into uni... Maybe when that time comes, i should be really able to let go....